I don't know where to begin. I fell in love with a man. I was afraid of it. The way my heart would jump at my ribs when he was near. When I'd stutter in his presence or lose all thought process. Forget how to breathe. I couldn't think straight or even say a word without my heart getting stuck in my throat and blushing furiously. I didn't know how to act around him. That first kiss literally took my breath away. I couldn't breathe. In that moment, I knew I wanted him in my life. Wanted to be with him. My heart would flutter at his words or when he'd say he loved me. Yes, a girly thing for me to say. It was all knew to me. He was gentle with me. As if I were fragile. I'd never had a man be so kind to me. I was so accustomed to being picked on and treated like shit. I wouldn't take it. Yet, he showed me what it was like to be loved. What it felt like to have a man. To be a woman and feel that love. I never thought someone could love someone like myself. I miss those things. Sleeping in his arms. The feeling of being safe. To hear his laugh. See his smile. To hear those sweet words again. Hearing his jokes. His ideas. The feeling of being loved. Why be in a relationship with another when I still love him? He says he misses me and still loves me. It hurts my heart to hear those words. I want nothing more than to be with him. To wrap my arms around him again. Laugh with him. I miss those things dearly and I want them. He knows I do. He wants it too but I will not ask him to be with me. I'll leave it up to him. I won't ask even though my heart is screaming at me to ask him. It aches for him and him alone. Those of you that know me, you know who I am talking about. I'm sorry, but I can't help the fact that I still love and want to be with him. You will never understand it and I'm not asking you to. Respect my decision or get the fuck out of my life with that shit. I won't put up with that shit anymore. If I am with him again, don't you dare fucking try to fill my head with shit. I'll put you in your place before you even say it. I will not tolerate it. It's not in your head. Its in your heart.
