Magnum or Magnum?

I'm baaaaaaaaaack!

Oh Lord Jebus....what has our world come to?

Okay, which came first? Magnum or Magnum? What's the difference? Magnum is the name of an Ice Cream brand and Magnum is the name of Trojan condoms. Really? I will never understand what has possessed the creators to name it Magnum. And I mean both. I can't look at the condoms without thinking of that stupid ice cream or looking at the ice cream without thinking of condoms. *facepalm* What a strange world we live in.

If I see someone with a Magnum condom, I'm going to say, "You like ice cream, huh?" and if I see someone eating a Magnum ice cream, "Oooh, I see you like them big ones."

Doesn't help that there's a song called Magnum. When I hear it, I know it's talking about the condoms, but I'm gonna think of the ice cream. Can't help it. Blame the people that created the ice cream and decided to name it after a Trojan condom. Hmmm......fuck logic!

Phone Remote

Pfft...okay so two remotes are lost. Lilo found an app for Verizon Fios to use as a remote on your phone. Needless to say, we kept it from Pops. Shhhh, it's a secret. We've been using our phones to change the channels and what not. Pops was unaware of it until a short while ago because he took the remote and he came in the living room after letting the dog out. Noticed I'd changed it. He asked how I did it. I did an elaborate hand motion as I said, "Magic."

I felt like Harry Potter when Hagrid said, "You're a Wizard, Harry."

So now, he knows about the phone app and he wasn't too pleased but Lilo and myself had a little laugh. It ruins my plan to be a ninja and make him flip out and think the remote is possessed or something. I will do it anyway. Just go the bathroom and go "click" or act like I'm asleep and go "click" just to troll. Heh heh.....why so serious?

Priceless.

Dora Did What?!

Yet another drunk conversation.

Nobody remembers their drunk conversations, but Jebus, this one still gets me. I don't know how or why we started talking about Dora the Explorer. It was like, dafuq is going on here?! It wouldn't stop.

Rigby: That damn Map scared me as kid because he'd be yelling at me. I'm serious, man. He'd be like "I'm the Map, I'm the Map, I'm the MAAAAAP!" and I'd be like "Shit, niggah, okay. Damn." He scared me.

We looked at him like he was crazy. Scared of the Map. No. No. Just no. It's the kid. I mean, what the hell are you carrying around in your bag?! Why do you have shovel in your bag? You kill someone? What are you teaching my kid? Teaching them to kill?! Oh no. You're teaching them to swear in another language. Well? Are you? As Samuel L. Jackson says, "Speak English mother fucker!"

I speak 3 languages. English, bad English and really bad English. So don't be speaking another language around me, child. I know what you be doing. I see that monkey around here all the time. Better not be sleeping with it. You into beastiality? I don't think so! I will beat your butt with a paddle. Where your mama at? She know about this? What about your daddy? He know? Oh. My bad. I forgot. You're famous. Nobody cares that your head is shaped like football, your shirt is too short just like those shorts, you talk to inanimate objects, and your best friend is a monkey. Hmm...fuck logic. Well then.

3 Women + 2 Men = Toes?

Okay, I know this is weird but we had a little to drink. Okay the ladies had a bit more to drink but Officer, it was pure innocent. I have no clue how this came about but we started talking about toes. (Names have been changed.) Nani commented on Lilo's toes and I commented as well. Lilo said her toes looked bad. Uh, no. They're way better than mine. I'd love to have my toes done. Of course, Rigby said he would never allow me to see his feet because apparently his were horrible. And of course, the odd man out was, Pops. I don't understand how this was even possible. It just got into a whole thing. I want my toes to be pampered too! Of course, Stitch never got his nails done but I'm Stitch and I shall have them done one day! I don't recall much more of this except almost falling off the bed because Rigby let the girls do his nails. Drunk conversations. Gotta love them.

5 Drunk Friends

Okay. Never go with friends with vodka and beer. Shit is too funny. Snakes, spiders, tattoos and blogs. You would never understand this life. You know, bondage talk, that's what he/she said comments. It's complicated. As I type this, I can't stop laughing. This blog will never be finished due to the trolling and excessive laughter. Shit gets pretty intense. Now we got the massage table out. Two massage therapists, tattoo artist, random blogger (me), and the dweeb. Hmm....add it up with vodka and we got entertainment. None of this shit makes any sense because you're not here to understand and experience it. You gotta experience this to UNDERSTAND the LEVEL I'm at. My dears, we are LIVING. You, sadly, are not. I am Sherlock and you all are my Watsons. Stories will be shared and are being shared at this moment. Mr. Jack, the dog, is curious to the what is going on. To him, we are the strange ones. To us, he is thinking we are insane. Truth be told, we are sane but insane. What life could I live if I wasn't insane with my sanity? It is not a life, my children. We are Doctor Seuss. The tea to your crumpet. The bagel to your coffee. The russian to the roulette. We are the reason sanity is still left in humanity. To live like this for a night is the life to live and make a vacation into one day feel like a week. Do it like us, and you'll kind of understand. You shall never understand this night or these people or myself. Understand this, "The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?" It's just as Captain Jack Sparrow said.

We are Sherlock Holmes. We are Jack Sparrow. We are Edgar Allen Poe. My children, we are sane. You, are not.

CHEERS!!!

"Why is the rum always gone?"

Miley Cyrus Gone Ratchet

RATCHET ALERT!!!!

By now we all know that Miley Cyrus has completely lost it. I could deal with her twerk video but this? No. I will not stand for this. I have four girls I love dearly and though they are not mine, I do NOT wish for them to be associated with her. And I quote, "I do not wish to see Miley Cyrus in Garland or anywhere near me. After that video, I was very sad." This came from an 11 year old girl that once adored Miley and was her fan. I'm an adult and I did enjoy Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montanna. Now? I can't even look at her the same way. She's lost it and I've officially lost all hope in humanity. A lot of people say they're disgusted with this new Miley but others say they love the new one. No. No. No. And HELL NO. This is not something that children need to be exposed to. Hell, I can't even let my mother buy any Miley products for my younger sister. I do not promote this ratchet behavior. It's horrid. Hannah Montanna was a hit when I was a kid and still was when I entered my teens. My sister became a fan. A lot of kids were fans. Hell, I had her first four CDs. Now? I'm telling you, shield your kids, grand kids, nieces, nephews, and god kids. Don't expose this to them. It would be damaging to the youth. This generation is already a mess. Don't add to it. Ignore Miley shit. Find a new idol for the youth. Selena Gomez or someone that is still some what innocent and not sending the wrong message to kids. Honestly, this is worse than when Kanye West went on stage and stole Taylor Swift's moment on stage but Beyonce gave her the moment she deserved. The fact that she has exploited herself on stage like that in front of millions of people at the concert and via tv was pretty bad. Even teachers in school are saying "We learn math in school because we don't want to become like Miley Cyrus."

That's how bad it's gotten. And it will continue to worsen until we get the old Miley back or until something new and scandalous occurs with another famous person or not. It may just be compared back to the concert. We will never know until it happens.

Miley, nobody wants to see your ass or tits. Put them back in your clothes. That was a disgrace to women. Wearing that plastic "sheath" was not appropriate. It was downright disturbing. Please refrain from doing it again. I'm ashamed to be called female because of that, but I will keep my modesty and continue to keep children's eyes averted until you have turned yourself around. If not, then you have lost quite a bit of loyal fans and gained porn addicts, pedophiles and sexual predators.

50 First Dates

Okay, my dear friends, this is a reference to Adam Sandler's and Drew Barrymore's 50 First Dates. Whoa, whoa, whoa don't leave just yet! Let me finish.

Let's start with my boys.

Ladies, I swear to Jebus, shut the hell up and just listen. Every guy wants a woman that can hang. Not sex. To hang out with their friends and go out on a date and have a good time with them. Never dis on a man's best bro. Even if he's an asshole. Don't judge a man by his size. Judge him by his heart and his personality. And NEVER judge a man by his penis size. Do it and I will slap the shit outta you. So what if he's like Hung Lo from the Hangover? It's all in how he uses it. Duh. ANYWAY, as I was saying. A man is just as sensitive as a woman. They have feelings and are very kind. They can make you laugh. Make your day better. Even if they're just a friend. By the way, that friend might have a secret crush on you and you keep blowing him off for a prick. A real man will treat you right and show you a good time. Give the guy a chance. If you don't, some other girl will and she might break his heart or be the one he falls for instead of you. Don't FIGHT for him. LOVE him and treat him better than a king. Treat him like a GOD. YOUR GOD. Don't let another woman get the chance to treat him better. Have a fight? Don't be a little bitch about it. And never EVER tell a man what to do and when to do it. ASK him to do it. Don't force him. And most of all DEFEND you're man when he's right. Tell those bitches that want a piece of your man to piss off because that's yours. AND NOT EVERY WOMAN GET'S THEIR "SONG" LIKE IN THE MOVIES SO DON'T FORCE THAT SHIT.

And let's not forget the ladies.

Gentleman, stop thinking with your dick for a moment. Every woman wants a man that's going to give her the affection she desires. Yes they are overbearing and very annoying. Don't judge them by their boob size, ass size, and body size. It's wrong. And another thing, don't judge the woman on her looks. Judge her by her heart and personality. Basically everything I said in the top part of this blog. Just the woman version. Be the man and show her how wonderful she is and what she means to you. Don't treat her like a queen. Treat her like a GODDESS. YOUR GODDESS. She can make you laugh. Make you smile. She can be your best friend. Love her heart. Don't let her go. Give her a reason to fall in love with you all over again. Tell her about her points. Surprise her.

I know one guy and I just met him and he told me about when his girlfriend got upset about not being able to go out one night. He turned on some music and asked her to dance with him. He loves her and proves it to her.

Basically, make every day another day for your significant other to fall for you all over again because I promise you, it will last longer.

Caramel Frappucino

TO ALL MY READERS,

I had the BEST Starbucks cup of coffee ever made. The perfect blend of coffee and caramel. That first drop on my tongue -shudder- was so indescribable. If your mouth could actually have an orgasm, I believe my mouth had one. It was the PERFECT cup of coffee I've ever had. Nothing wrong with it. Absolutely exquisite. I'm a coffee lover and I'm telling you, that Starbucks has topped all it's past cups of coffee I've ever had. Hot and cold.

Thursday at 11 a.m. at a Starbucks near me, I was awaiting an interview to be conducted when I was offered a free cup of coffee. I made the mistake of saying "Frapp" and I was politely told not to say that in a coffee shop. It's like saying "tat" in front of a tattoo artist. If you ever wish to work anywhere, go to Starbucks. The coffee is amazing and so is their food. Honestly, if you can get a manager to troll, you're a genius.

That one cup of coffee I had......no other shall compare.

Porn

Okay guys....and girls. My dear viewers, there is no shame in watching Porn. There isn't. Honest. I'll admit that I have watched it myself. Just don't watch it like its a religion. Hey, your partner might be down to watch some porn with you. You can self educate yourself by watching porn or even reading it. It can enhance your pleasure but your partner's pleasure as well. Getting addicted to it is a whole different story. Getting hooked on it destroys the mind. It teaches the body to only respond to porn instead of the real thing and in the end, it isn't enough. Why do you think that when your having "normal sex" you get off the first few times? Then when sex comes around again, you want more? That's why you spice it up. As I said, there is nothing wrong with watching porn. Just don't do it all the time. You WILL become addicted. Gotta itch to scratch? Tell your woman/man! If they ain't down for that? Jack off. Not as pleasurable but guys, you got it easier. Some women can't do the whole masturbation thing because it's not as good as the real thing. Chill out.

Weaboos

Do you have any idea what a WEABOO is? Well? Do you?  No? It is an overly obsessed individual that obsesses over Japanese shit. What next? They're going to try to become Japanese? I admit that I do obsess over a couple animes but I'm not trying to become Asian. Jebus. I love Asians but I'm my own strange individual. Not trying to change my ways. I'm not hating on you guys but tone it down a smidge. The Japanese culture is fascinating, my dears, but don't go overboard or become too obsessed because it just might control your life and ruin your relationships even if you both are weaboos. Dressing and looking like an Asian and being one is totally different. Asians work it. You? Not so much. Unless you look Asian but aren't Asian.

Ladies Please!

Ladies, if you love your man and he's gone down on you and you haven't, we gotta talk. Your man may not complain that you don't suck his wang or even lick him like a lollipop. Get on your knees and do it at least once. If you're not into that kind of thing, then admit it instead of making him wonder and possibly complain to his boys. Jebus. If he ain't down for some head then don't worry about it. Otherwise, you need to give your man a little loving. Quit being a little bitch about and do it.

That is all.

Pit Bulls

Let's get one thing straight. Pit Bulls are good dogs. No matter the breed or animal, depending on how you treat your pet, it will respond to it. Show an animal aggression, it will respond. As the saying goes "Our pets are a reflection of us." These dogs are used in illegal dog fights and some are trained to attack on sight. It's not their fault. They have no voice. They can't say no or shout for help. As I type this, my own purebred Pit Bull is laying beside me. She is smaller than the average Pit Bull, but she's nothing more than a lap dog. A BIG lap dog. She guards the house and my room. These animals are very playful and honestly, I'd choose pit bulls over a Golden Retriever or Labrador any day. FUCK THAT!!! This breed is screaming for help. Dogs become aggressive because the owner is not giving the animal the compassion it needs. Imagine yourself in a form that can't speak. Can't cry for help. Nor can it fight back without fear of being hurt. They don't know what's right from wrong. No dog is bad. Only the owner is bad. This breed used to represent our military. Now? They don't allow the breed on the premises. Any dog that even resembles or looks like a Pit Bull has to be removed from the grounds or the family/person owning the animal can not live on the base. Protect the Pit Bulls. They are the best companions to have. They give so much love to their owners that if you give them a chance, you'll see what many are talking about. These dogs are made out to be vicious. They're not. It's like riding a roller coaster for the first time. It's scary. Your stomach drops and a lump is in your throat. The adrenaline is going. And when you hit that first drop, you lose your stomach somewhere back there. If you're afraid of Pit Bulls, it's kind of like that. Start with a puppy. It's easier due to their innocence. If you've been attacked or bitten by this breed, don't blame the dog. Blame the idiot owner. Owner's are responsible for their pet's actions due to the way the animal has been raised/treated.

WELCOME

Hallo to my page! Curiosity is our sin and it drives us MAD. Readers, please feel free to email me whenever you like if you have requests to be seen. I will have different writings on here ranging from my personal opinions to facts. Some reviews or various trolls that have occurred will appear on here.